


"Help" from Red Jenny

by DarthMama



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age Inquisition - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Pranks are fun!, Red Undies, Shirtless Cullen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 00:48:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3431855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarthMama/pseuds/DarthMama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Inquisitor has been having a hard time spitting out her feelings for Cullen.  So Sera thought to lend a unique hand in matters.  Based off the plot bunnies from CalamityJess kept leaving around Tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tricksy Jennies and Nervous Inquisitors

"Alright then, out with it," Sera said as she plopped down next to Amelie and slapped a tankard in front of her. "Are you gonna squeeze up to him or not?”

Amelie blinked at the tankard before taking a sip and eyeing Sera with trepidation. “Am I going to what?” she asked. 

She might have known what the elf was asking but frankly Amelie did not want to talk about her cowardice. It was staring her in the face still from the confused look Cullen had given her when she had come into his office to talk only to sputter nonsense and then excuse herself. Humiliating, and why she was in the tavern trying to drown her embarrassment.

“Drag the Lion-man up to his cave by the mane with some fancy lace and one of Bull’s crops?” the elf asked causing Amelie to choke on her ale and spit it across the table as the blonde girl laughed. “Hilarious, I gotta remember that one. Maybe I can get Lady Iron Bitch to spew on some fancy visitor. Oh or maybe I should just nip that crop and hang it somewhere with her stupid pointy hat of snobbery.”

“Glad I’m such wonderful entertainment and inspiration,” Amelie replied as she coughed and sputtered before managing to breathe properly again.

“I know right? Now. You got a problem there with your Cully-Wully?” Sera asked as she took a drink from her own mug.

“No, why do you think I have a problem with Cullen?”

“You’ve been in and out of his office faster than a cat can pounce a mouse covered in firefly arses. You didn’t say a word though, just hi and bye. If you’re pondering jumping the fence I can help with that you know?” Sera commented with a wiggle of her brows.

Amelie did her best to ignore the proposition. She just wasn’t really interested in women…or other men sadly. It was hard to really look when you had such a prime specimen in front of you. Even harder when you were pretty sure he flirted back. He did flirt back right? In his adorably awkward way and when he got that crooked grin of his? She could have been misreading matters though, he couldn’t have much more experience than her after all and if the rumors she heard were true… Wait how did Sera… 

“And how do you know how long I was in Cullen’s office?”

“Might have been up to a few things,” Sera said, her grin was wicked but her eyes held no real malice leaving Amelie to think her prank was at least not likely to result in lasting damage at least. “Nothing to worry about just spreading a few legs around here so a girl can get a few twitches.”

Amelie couldn’t claim to know what exactly Sera meant but opted to drop it for now. “So you were pulling some prank nearby and noticed how long I was there. Maybe I was dropping off a message.”

“Nuh-uh. You’ve been dancing like a girl with burning trousers in front of his office door for weeks and you’ve been cranky. If you’re too much of a chicken to show him your knickers then maybe I’ll have to sneak a pair to him.”

Amelie’s eyes widened and she barely managed to keep from choking on the last of the ale in her mug. “You wouldn’t.”

“You’re right, I wouldn’t,” Sera commented looking comically repentant before she got that devilish look on her face. “Cause I already did.”

“SERA!” Amelie shrieked before thinking to check herself before she ended up electrocuting people or setting the tavern on fire. How in the Maker’s name was Cullen going to serious consider a relationship with her when such juvenile tactics were pulled? Andraste save her, she wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye without him turning as red as her undies, or her turning that red! Maybe she could save this though… 

“Where did you put them? He’s out with the recruits so he can’t have found them yet.”

“Oop, can’t tell you that Inquisitor, that would be cheating,” the elf said with a laugh. “You got about as long to find those bright red underthings as it takes for him to succumb to the itchweed I rubbed over the collar of his shirt.”

“Oh!” Amelie moaned in frustration as she jumped up, knocking the chair to the ground as she went tearing out of the tavern like there was a dragon incoming. “I am so going to get you back for this Sera!”

The elf simply stayed where she was, laughing and giggling for hours after the tavern door leading to the ramparts upstairs slammed shut.


	2. Maker Damn That Elf!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amelie tries to cut off Sera's prank before Cullen finds out!

Amelie tore into Cullen’s office and slammed the door behind her with a guilty flush. Since Sera’s admittance to having stolen some of the mage’s unmentionables and hiding them in Cullen’s office she was then and still was now filled with visions of mortification at him finding them. She might have this nice little fantasy of him seeing said underthings but it usually involved him taking them off of her with those very large and capable hands. Not finding them…wherever the hell Sera had put them!

Oh she was going to murder that elf if she didn’t die of embarrassment!

“Okay, breathe Amelie,” she told herself, eyes flicking about and assessing where her underwear might be hidden. “There’s only so many places Sera would have stashed it. Think! She’d want Cullen to find them so…somewhere he would definitely go…Desk!”

Amelie was there in a flash, green eyes scanning desperately for red. Sera had said she grabbed the red ones right? Maybe the elf had grabbed the blue or the green? The ruffled rainbow ones?! 

“Calm…you will be calm in the face of crisis. No need to electrocute someone or hit the tower with lightning on top of everything else. Just be roasting a specific elf later…” Amelie ground out through her teeth as she purposely focused. Cullen thankfully did not have overly colorful things sitting about in his office so her undies should stick out like sore thumbs. She just had to be calm and methodical in her search. Time was on her side since Cullen had been planning for weeks to spend the afternoon with the new recruits. Calm and methodical…Maker let her be calm and methodical…

Right…she was obviously well known for that…

Drawers were pulled out and things shifted through quickly and in a messy order. Nothing was in the desk so she thought of the bookshelf where she often also saw Cullen. She moved tomes and in the end fell to pulling them out. Beyond the surprising revelation that Cullen had a copy of “The Art of Passionate Love” by Brother Capria that he hid in the cover of another book, which just played havoc with her imagination, there was a no brightly colored undies.

Desperation was starting to sink it’s claws into Amelie. Was there such a think as a desperation demon? It would have had her for a delightful snack here. She went back to the desk, pulling the drawers out completely thinking that Sera might have stuffed the undies underneath to make them fall out onto Cullen’s lap. She pulled sacks around, checked the training dummy, moved his chair, shook every book.

There was no undies anywhere in sight.

For a moment Amelie thought that perhaps Sera had been lying through her teeth. Maybe that was the elf’s game all along. There wasn’t really any underwear to be found and she was just laughing her ass off over in the tavern now at how gullible the Inquisitor was. Amelie ran a hand through her brown locks, breathing carefully. Yes that was it. That was Sera’s prank all along, a non-prank.

Boot heels and steel rang nearby, and Amelie knew that walk anywhere along with the grumbled swearing she could hear. Cullen was almost at his door! 

She stood in the middle of Cullen’s office and looked about. Books everywhere, drawers emptied on the floor, even the stuffing had been pulled out of the dummy…

“Fucking elf. I’m going to kill you Sera…” Amelie said as she hung her head in shame. There was no dodging this, no matter how much she wished for a spell to make her vanish or make a rift pop open. One of those would have been good right about now…

Cullen opened the door, hazel eyes going wide as he took in the state of his office first before Amelie shrank a little into herself and gave a sheepish wave with a feeble comment of, “Uh…H-Hi Commander…”

“Uh…H-hello I-Inquisitor,” Cullen said, still taking in the complete devastation to his quarters. Amelie might have cringed further into herself but she had…well a very good distraction from her current plight.

Namely, Cullen’s chest and arms.

Green eyes blinked in confusion even as she delighted in the sight. Broad shoulders filled the doorway and the light behind him set Cullen’s hair ruffled aglow. He had his shirt in one hand, one gloved hand which seemed puzzling to Amelie but she didn’t think much about it as she looked. Muscles lean and hard from constant sword work that she knew Cullen rose early to keep in practice daily for. There was faint scars on his forearms where someone might have got past his guard and a burn scar on one shoulder likely from his templar days. The faintest dusting of hair trailed down to the navel and then further into his pants and had her remember the book she had found and…

Andraste save her she wasn’t drooling was she? The most important question though was…

“What happened to your armor?”

“What happened to my office?”

They both had spoken at the same time only to both then color red. Cullen reacted up and scratched at the back of his neck while looking anywhere but at Amelie. For her part the mage could feel herself starting to sweat as everything seemed to crash in on her.

Maker, Andraste, and Hessarian she was going to KILL Sera…

“Uh…suppose I should go first,” she managed to get out, her hands twisting together in front of her nervously. “Particularly since I uh…I guess I kind of invaded your privacy here.”

“Well I am certain you-” Cullen started to say before his eyes snapped to the bookshelf and his face looked horror stricken. “Um…I-Inquisitor-” He stopped talking for a moment struggling with words as Amelie worried about his head simply exploding from how red it was. 

“Yeeeeaah, I kind of…was searching and…well you have excellent reading tastes,” she said offering a smile that was somewhere between terrified of his reaction and trying vainly to laugh at the situation and make it seem smaller.

Cullen started to raise a hand to his face but the shirt in one apparently reminded him not to as they dropped. He looked around, probably trying to find an outlet for frustration and his embarrassment but there wasn’t anything that presented itself. It left him to sigh and if Amelie heard right mutter a prayer under his breath before making himself raise his head and look at her. “S-So w-what exac-c-ctly is the r-reas-s-son for this?”

Amelie shifted uncomfortably on her feet wishing for a hole to fall into before she sighed and ordered herself to spit it out. “Sera,” she stated, the word really explaining the entire situation she felt.

Cullen’s brows drew low for a moment before his expression cleared, some dawning realization apparently visiting him as he blinked at Amelie, looked around his quarters, and then looked down at his shirt with a vicious curse.

“Wow I didn’t think they taught that language in Templar training,” Amelie commented, still trying to lighten everything with jokes.

“I’m going to strangle that elf with my own two hands,” Cullen said looking furious, which did not help Amelie’s imagination even as his hands curled into fists. 

“I suggest getting in line,” the mage commented, her own disapproval of the elf showing through as she crossed her arms and eyeing the shirt in Cullen’s hands. “Care to share what happened to you now?”

“Sera,” Cullen commented, the word holding the same tone as Amelie’s had. He did not explain further, instead holding the shirt out and giving it a snap when it was safely away from his body. Amelie could see something powdery falling from it. “Apparently she really wanted me to find you here. My coat, armor lining, and shirt are all covered in whatever that is and it was itching like crazy before the recruits. I strongly dislike being made a fool. Particularly when it can damage my authority over things. I left Cassandra filling in for me while I change. Harritt should have one of his boys finished with cleaning the armor in short order thankfully.”

Amelie couldn’t help but snicker, one hand flying to her mouth as Cullen fixed her with a glare though it lacked any actual anger. “Sorry, just…it’s funny?” the brunette haired woman offered. “At least you made the day of some of the ladies running about like that?”

“Hmm…” Cullen commented as he moved further into the room. A small smirk twisting his lips. “I take it the Inquisitor approves then? Hopefully you will not think to have me parading around like this often.”

“Uh…hmmm,” Amelie stated her tongue tangling into a knot as her face reddened and she looked around for a distraction. She wished she could have stated things but . “How about the Inquisitor fixes her mistake and helps clean up your office…that she trashed?”

“That would be most appreciated,” Cullen said as he turned for the ladder. “Let me get another shirt and we shall make short work of it….Um…j-just leave the b-books for me though.”

The last was added with a sheepish red face before he started up the ladder. Amelie hide her own blushing grin a she focused on putting the empty drawers back into the desk.

“Out of curiousity,” Cullen asked as he started to climb. “What did Sera do to get such a reaction from you?”

“She conned me into thinking she hid something in here. Little liar. I’m going to zap her into next week for this.”

Cullen stopped his ascent, easing back down and giving Amelie a puzzled look. “Sera lied?” he asked looking skeptical. “Forgive me Inquisitor but…I can’t say I’ve ever seen or heard of Sera lying. She’ll say things in a manner that makes it impossible to understand her, steal your purse, play childish pranks all day long. I cannot say that she has ever had the air of a liar. She’s…honest if that makes much sense to you.”

Amelie blinked up from where she was struggling with a drawer as Cullen disappeared up the ladder. The ex-templar had a point. Sera was many things but she was more likely to just tell you no or change the subject than to lie. Not that she did not lie but as Cullen said there was an honesty to the elf.

Which did not help Amelie’s deduction that Sera had to have been lying about the panties. They weren’t in Cullen’s office though and she would have put them…

Where Cullen, a victim of itching powder via Sera, was sure to find them…

The drawer slipped from Amelie’s fingers on a whine of “Noooo…” as she jumped over a stack of books. Her hands already pulling her body up the ladder before her feet had even reached the rungs.

Her head had just cleared the opening, blinking about at Cullen’s room before zeroing in on the Commander kneeling by a chest that likely housed his clothes. Fingers on the latch to open it…

“Cullen wait!” Amelie cried out, hoping to stop the inevitable.

The blond man blinked at her in bewilderment as the latch popped and his other hand pushed the lid open. There on top of his normal and sedate things was a pair of bright red lacy panties.

Amelie’s forehead dropped to the floor around her, hands white knuckled on the ladder. “And my humiliation is complete…thank you Sera…”

Cullen was red faced from things but Amelie was surprised to see not as red as he likely should have been, or at least she thought he would have been. He picked up the delicate underthings and rose a brow as she climbed the rest of the way up the ladder. “I t-take it these were w-what you were hunting for then?”

“Yeah…that would be them,” Amelie commented hanging her head.

“Funny thing to get in trouble with the Circle over,” he commented as he seemed to study them.

Amelie swore her face was on fire from how warm it was. “Wait, how do you know about that?”

Now Cullen was blushing, hard enough that Amelie worried about him fainting again. “Uh…r-reports…”

“Reports?”

“Leliana got t-them,” he said as if to shift the blame. His free hand scratching at the back of his neck. “W-We all read th-them to know m-more about y-you.”

“So nice to know my underwear has been fodder for gossip,” Amelie commented with a tone of acid before dropping her head in her hands. “Maker just take me now. How is anyone going to take me seriously with all of this?”

“Simple,” Cullen stated as he took her hand and planted the object of their troubles in her palm. His face still red but resolute as well. “We never speak of it. I am not about to expunge the reputation of a lady.”

“You mean the Inquisitor.”

“No I mean a lady.”

“A mage?”

Gloved fingers caught Amelie’s chin and made her look up at him. A small smile on his lips as he seemed to study her face intently. “A caring, fierce, beautiful lady who was the victim of harmless pranks,” he corrected.

A silence fell and Amelie found herself holding her breath. Cullen was not releasing her and seemed to keep staring instead. They had to of moved though cause she felt his nose brush hers and could feel his breath on her lips. Both of them staring into the other’s eyes…

And her chin was burning from the need to scratch at it. She had to pull away to run her fingernails over it with an aggravated huff. 

“Maker dammit,” Cullen said reaching down to pull his gloves off. “The blighted powder…”

“Ugh!” Amelie said as she scratched. “No wonder you peeled out of everything.”

“It gets worse as you scratch too. Here,” he said as he pulled a small water skin from his belt and dumped the water on a handkerchief to be offered. “Washes away easily enough I believe.”

Amelie took the handkerchief and scrubbed at her face, soothed by the cold water as she sighed. “I want to kill that elf but she’s so damn useful at stirring the nobles.”

“Perhaps some retaliation then to teach her to find better targets for now would be suitable?” Cullen offered as he turned back to the chest and found a shirt. “I have a suggestion if you would like.”

“Why Commander, you in a prank war?” Amelie commented as he pulled on his shirt and made her pout a little at the loss of the view. “Who would have thought?”

Cullen only chuckled. “Sadly it’s not my idea. I remember one of the mages in Kinloch doing it to the templar armors and all of us having our hair stand on end when we removed our helmets for weeks on end. Kept making all the mages giggle whenever we shocked ourselves on metal as well. Not entirely sure how the mage managed to do such a thing but I figured you would be able to figure out the particulars.”

“You’ll have to elaborate while we address the mess I made,” Amelie said as she tucked away the undies and held out his handkerchief for him to take. “Feel awful for effectively turning your world upside down on you.”

Something glinted in Cullen’s eyes for a moment as he took the hand with the handkerchief in it. Instead of simply taking the bit of cloth though he pulled it up and seemed to inspect her fingers. Amelie told herself he was probably looking for bits of dust under her nails or something but she would have been lying if she said she had not been entertaining the fantasy of Cullen kissing her hand and moving along up her arm to the rest of her.

“Rest assured that no matter what your effect on things is Inquisitor… I am always delighted to see you,” he said instead bowing over her hand a little in a courtly manner that had Amelie feeling the lady again, in spite of the contrary. “Now about Sera…”


End file.
